#dont wanna vent to the void but im extremely

[hxvemxnd]

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[aphverse-confessions]

i submitted a confession around the time the aphmau apology got posted and finally noticed it got posted, and i realize that i should've definitely waited a bit to get my emotions out there about the entire thing because in retrospect, there was so much i couldve worded better and i wanna basically reword everything (despite the fact im an anonymous figure in the aphblr void, i still feel a need to try to make things right somehow) and share my kind of new opinions i wanna firstly clarify that a lot of the people i saw apologizing to them and "forgiving them for everything" were people on tiktok (ive noticed theres a HUGE difference between aphblr and aphtok, and i really dont know why i was basically venting my frustrations i gained from aphtok here, so im sorry about that too). it was also a bunch more casual fans too, who may have not known all about everything. i also feel sorry and apologize to jesson for speculating on their real life as well. do i still dislike jesson? yes. its fairly clear theyve had MANY controversies, and i get why its kind of useless to just keep bringing up their old controversies that have already been discussed heavily, as opposed to bringing up and spreading awareness about their current treatment of workers (glass door posts) which isnt as well known. now that im aware of this, i really do hope that the issues within catface are addressed (by both jesson and the fandom, because i cant believe i never heard about it too, but maybe im just not active enough within it entirely too and just missed it). so basically, still dislike jesson, i was a bit infuriated by some aphtok users and used this to vent about it, and i now know about the current controversies within their company and find it extremely disturbing and worrying to just have not been acknowledged that much and i hope soon, they will be, because this is a really big current issue. so to whoever read all of this, thank you for your time.

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[foreverxdaydreaming]

my tarot cards really just roasted tf outta me huh? did a reading for this year and every single one of the results hit so close to home.. i don't cry often but this is rly making me want to,,,lol

[iamthedamndonutdrawcat]

hey i hope its okay to send you an ask like this but all your thoughts on the heartstopper fandom are just so true like?? i dont know how to put it into words but like the fact that it was just our own little safe space and suddenly its all big and popular and sort of lost its earnest charm. i love the show dont get me wrong but the fandom just doesnt have the same effect it used to. kind rich speaking as ive not even been in the fandom two years but i miss the ‘old days’ where we had like 10 fanfics and none of them were kit connor x reader smut. idk just its comforting i guess to know im not the only one who gets this sort of emptiness from the fandom these days. just like thank you for your contributions to this fandom and having such correct opinions haha <3

hey i'm so sorry for responding so late but i've been kinda freaking out over social media lately. i'm so glad to hear that you can connect to the shit i talk all the time, i often feel like i'm just venting into the void (which is fine but its great to hear people think the same).

yeah i mean i knew heartstopper as a big fandom would be problematic but i didn't think it woul go this bad this fast. i was literally just on ao3 and there was someone posting those kinda 'fanarts' where they edit the actors faces onto porn and then into the show settings and its like.... wow...... we really went here in one month?? i saw people in the comments like 'hey delete this it's sexualising the actors but also like.... the characters are minors wtf' but also people really supporting that kinda stuff????? idk i really wanna bleach my eyes.

and yeah about 'old days'..... i get that. i mean i've been in the online fandom since like march 2020 but i do feel like one of the oldies who've seen better times. kinda sad tbh

and now that i'm at it i really do needa talk about kit connor bc its like. he seems to be a nice person and yes he's somehow attracative but i've gotten to the point that i don't wanna talk about him anymore. half the fandom is being so so disgusting about him and he does know and he's stated it makes him feel terrible and that he doesn't even wanna use social media anymore. how can a fandom praise itself on being extremely correct and nice and then bully and sexualise the actors in such disgusting ways. i'm literally horrified.

i'm so so happy to hear you feel seen in my rants :)) but yeah 'it ain't old times anymore'

[iconicsapphics]

I wanna hear your coming out story!

omg you’re such a bean thank you

(im reading over it and it looks way more dramatic than it is. so thanks for giving me an excuse to vent, hun)

ok so ive been following 123456789098765432345 LGBT accounts since middle school. You know, like straight people do. so I scroll through all these posts like “I am Such A Good Ally!!! Look At Me!!!” But, of course, I don’t comment on anything or tell anyone about my extreme amount of gay accounts that I’m following.

so that’s, like, 2012. Then in like 2014 I start seeing all these “started as an ally now I’m here” memes. but of course that doesnt apply to me.

Then I start high school. And I meet more LGBT people than the three gay men I’d known previously (all of them were in musical theatre. I mean, I knew some not-out people. But really I knew no one). I’m more involved on tumblr. And I start to think “wow. I must be fetishizing the people on these gay accounts. I’m a terrible person.”

And then that summer I went to a self-fulfillment seminar. ANd I met this girl. And OH My GOodness??? I looked at her the first time and it was like she was literally made of light. And everything she did was stunning. And that summer, she figure out her sexuality. I did not figure out mine. but I had SUCH a crush on her. I think about her still. i hope she’s doing okay.

And when school started again, I got a crush on the gayest girl in the school. I mean, the entire GSA was crushing on her. Honestly, she was the one who made me think “oh shit.” so sophomore year, i thought i might not be straight. and i told my mom. and she said “no, honey, you are straight.” and since she’d supported my brother possibly being gay (he turned out to be straight), i thought she knew best.

NOW IT’S JUNIOR FREAKING YEAR. I am in a theatre group that’s like 70% sapphic (i did the math). sometime in september, im thrown into a total angsty questioning tailspin. i refresh @closetedsapphicopinions every two seconds. I check scarleteen.com obsessively. finally, i text one friend a super long message about how confused i am. and she texts back “sorry i was in rehearsal but yeah youre probably not straight” and, honestly, that validation was so great. so like six months after the first time, i talk to my mom again. this time she says “ok yeah and that thing with the girl from the seminar was kinda weird.”

and now im closeted to everyone but like seven people, but my mom has outed me to all three of her parents (dad, mom and stepmom). and she does it in a really invalidating way, and my grandfather said i should choose to stay straight because life is easier that way (i get where youre coming from gramps but it just doesnt work that way???) but all in all even though im a nervous and self-doubting, unsure person at least i have the internet to remind me im valid and family that’s pretty chill. sorry to bother all your feeds with this but if i dont vent here then i guess i wont vent anywhere so. ill just scream into the void for a bit.